Archbishops, travellers, crusaders, White Nancy...all on tour

PART ONE -

40+ Tourists went wandering around Cheshire in an errant and fun loving manner this weekend. At muster point Malone Field, and just to prove that not all rugby tourists are politically incorrect, brewery obsessed, "knuckle draggers"...it was recognised that the first day of tour was actually St Anselms day. But who was he an ardent scholar questioned to the assorted band of conspiracy theorists and acrobats?

Anselm of Canterbury a Benedictine monk (thats some green booze aint it reflected one PhD holding member of our touring party), a philosopher ("you want me enquired Gilroy"), and a prelate of the Church (answers on a postcard) who held the office of Archbishop of Canterbury from 1093 to 1109. "So plenty of bling eh" was the general consensus, mostly from our Protestant touring crusaders.

"Im sure he was the founder of scholasticism" mumbled a youngster through a mass of Pickled Onion Monster Munch and Haribo Fangtastics, "he is famous as the originator of the ontological argument for the existence of God, or is that Cheryl Cole? I checked it out on You Tube while you old gits were guessing!" the youth proceeded to postulate.

Not to be outdone by impetuous youth the Old Guard stepped up to the plate. Stato had the facts to hand. "He became Archbishop of Canterbury under William II of England, and was exiled from England from 1097 to 1100, and again from 1105 to 1107 under Henry I of England as a result of the investiture controversy, the most significant conflict between Church and state in Medieval Europe, now which one of you bleeding tea-leafs has nicked my clip board?" With Eastham CID on route to the crime scene, the theological debate was capped off with one further reflection.

Anselm was proclaimed a Doctor of the Church in 1720 by a Papal Bull of Pope Clement XI. We all decided we wanted to be Papal Bull or was it Spartacus... but were a bit concerned with the French view on BSE. "Didnt they ban Beef flavoured Pot Noddles even though they are fit for vegetarians?" murmured our Monster Munch Mastermind - We checked our watches and realised that we were late, bet its not like this in the Premiership....

To the bat mobile. Car sharing was about as popular as the M4 bus lane. Magill couldnt find his accelerator, Damian was rear gunner. Morty fueled up and did the Kessel-Sandbach run in 12 parsecs, whilst plotting a later route to Bangor just for a laff. Rogers was tight lipped about exactly what he had in his roof box...more later.

On arrival at Sandbach School, it became obvious we were not the only guests. We alighted our wagons and came face to face with the lesser known Kelly. After 6 weeks in an oxygen tent getting his thumb right in a similar manner to Rooney’s Metatarsal and that other Man Utd girlies “toe issues”....you know the one who bagged a Spice Girl who turned into a stick insect, it was obvious something was on Mikes mind.

Having arrived on time...bit early by tour law (which as all good tourists/pirate/ crusaders; knows "is guidelines") and found the warning from our host that "its probably best not to leave anything in the changing rooms".Mike had taken one look at the 20+ top of the range motor homes and concluded....."Gypsies eh!". When one of his mates told him the 12m monster he was next to prob cost over 120k new....he realised that the net worth of your average Irish traveling tarmac salesman was substantially higher than he had anticipated. Still he stuck to his guns, gave all his worldly possession to his dad and told him to "keep an eye on that lot" b4 dashing off to knock someone in Red and Green onto their backside.

On a serious note Sandbach School where model hosts. They made the game possible by lending us and Sandbach RUFC a pitch, marked it out in fresh whitewash and gave us the run of the place...along with the fine and upstanding members of the UK's Premier Motor Home Association. Mikes still counted the studs in his boots b4 he left and slept overnight with one eye open just in case.

The game was a cracker. Sandbach smashed us in the first 15 mins. The late arrival, theological debate and 4kg of sweets per player were not the best start. In the changing rooms b4 the match we lost our open side flanker..."just going to one of those RV's to see if I can boil my gum shield and grab a spot of Caviar Essex style", centre "My dads got my boots...but hes still on the M6" .....our crack team of rugby Ninjas who had racked over 100 points in the last 3 games didnt look like they wanted to tackle anything other than Monster Munch.

Some standouts were Tom S and Capt Macca but everone else seemed oddly off form. Going down by 3 tries with still 10 mins to go the boys decided to get into rugby mode. Will learned to anticipate the scrum put in, Sean decided that the lumpy Sandbach fwds were actually ferocious tackling monsters and decided to go wide instead of jogging into the Bermuda Triangle where the ball kept disappearing and reappearing in the hands of Sandbach 12 or 13 as they appeared via some type of cunning Sandbach RUFC teleport system under our posts.

We had a good chat at half time. Its called a rugby tour cos you play RUGBY first then you get into TOUR mode second...except if you are over 21 and then anything goes.

Second half was a great contest. The Saints won more ball and scored some decent tries but Sandbach were never going to choke a near 20 point lead. Their brave FB decided to get to know Chuck and as in the last meeting felled our human dynamo but almost lost half his internal organs in the process. Andy B the Sandbach coach provided a protective barrier that any peace keeping force would be proud of. All 4kg of Sandbach FB had a bit of a think, got to his feet declared himself fit and ready to go, it took Andy slightly longer to get off the floor...bad knees he says. Most superheroes would have taken retirement after that type of collision but not this FB. Ive said it b4 but its worth saying again. Pound for pound he hits harder than anyone we have played against.

George Mally gave the backs more shape and hit a great line off Mossey. Hitting a gap then launching a perfect 20m pass off his right hand -Chuck was into space... 7pts!

Next up a great team try. We camped in the Sandbach red zone. 3 or 4 players got within 10cm of scoring but Sandbach were defending their line like it was a Cup Final. A clever change of tactics by Sam, with his nice new gummy, and we were in for a belting try.

The game opened up but both teams defended well. Saints racked up a few more points. Mossey hit all but one of the extras but we came up short. The refing was top notch, both sets of coaches and parents reflected on how well the lads played but also got on with each other. It was proper rugby played in the right atmosphere.

Capt Macca gave the Sandbach team a tour shield. It took me a moment to persuade him it was not for him. Its a hooker thing, with that head guard on his hearing and sight is impaired! We wished Sandbach a great "Tour thats Not a Tour" and reflected on what a great time we had the week prior against Ruthin who they were to play on Sunday. Pontins North Wales was prob a destination to avoid this weekend but as we were off to Bollington we didnt really care!

Fearing the middle class Travelers had clocked the boys supply of sports drinks and were going to “get busy”, they decided to miss out the showers and we decamped to McDonalds. We would like to offer apologies to the various mums and dads who were intending to have a nice Sat lunch treat with their kids in the Sandbach McD's. 40+ muddy and slightly damp rugby tourists prob didnt do the gaff justice and the 12m long snake of us that got into the car park prob meant Burger King sales in the North West went up 17% this weekend.

Peter "The Edge" was found with more of Ronald McDonalds prize vouchers than was ever thought possible. A quick review showed he had kit worth more than the gross domestic product of Burkina Faso, he didnt fancy the free Porridge voucher but with more kit than PC World he didnt care.

Following the advice of our Tour Nutritionist and part time limbo dancing teacher the sign of the Western Free World had a run on salads, fruit bags and fruit juices that will be long talked about in the No-Stars Staffroom. Outside a pioneer party ventured into German discounter that is Aldi just to make sure that full hydration would be at the top of everyone list. But still the Rogers' top box wouldnt be opened....

Fearing that Sandbach bereft of fruit and veg would suffer the first outbreak of scurvy since 1745 we legged it. Moving in stealth mode, using little known cross country tracks and the cover of various mid Cheshire mansions we made it to Bollington on time. Note to self, arrive late at accommodation and early at games, that way might win in future....

The religious retreat we had booked had a quiet serenity to it. Well it did right up to the moment we arrived. Pete Grady was adamant hed explained we were St Anselmians RUGBY CLUB. The welcome was warm and hearty. We signed over our properties as collateral against breakages and general damage. The boys went upstairs to play football, hang from the rafters and general make themselves at home, obvious really.

One dorm had 18 lads in it. During the next 24 hours it was the scene of chaos and carnage normally limited to a Hollywood block buster. Bruce Willis’ agent has already bid $4 for the film rights but Chris W wants Jason Statham to play him so he told the folically challenged heart throb we wanted Blackpool Panto to have go at the stage show first. Having already had to let Demi Moore go Bruce didn’t take yet more rejection well; so Chris offered him some discount on a new Astra, and said they should “do lunch next time they were both in Rio” . The parents made themselves scarce in the smaller secure rooms which offered an ideal zone to test our ear plus, the true makeup of human originate methane and a sleep pattern Mrs Thatcher would have been proud of.

Sitting downstairs having a nice cup of tea, the Veteran tourists decided that the rumbling noises from upstairs that sounded like a thousand beasts charging over the plains of Africa needed some direction.

We consulted the true reason for Savio House existing "Savio House is a residential centre for young people aged 14-25 who want to develop their awareness of their own unique story, their gifts and their direction in life. It provides programmes for searching experience through adventure, conversation and stillness. It reaches beneath the normal level of awareness by using the images and stories of the Gospels and invites young people, as far as they are ready, to experience the mystery present at the centre of their lives."

Armed with these nobel goals we went to play footie (outside this time lads), make sure we had booked the curry house and double checked the fridge was keeping the Isotonic Continental Strength Sports drinks at optimum temp . At footie time the adults showed some skill, the kids more. With the theme of "searching experience" on his mind,Chris B took a group off to see White Nancy. A local attraction not to be missed!!!! They came back an hour later, breathless but smiling...the others had to have a crack....Chris went back for more, happy to take another one for the team... what stamina and endurance....

Some of the dads went off to see Macclesfield RUFC play Cinderford, little did we know they were to be the only ones to see action at Priory Park. They also checked out the effectiveness of the major retailers supply chains and were happy to return with samples for product testing.

Modern youth knowing the Viceroy Curry Shack in Bollington was going to be a glittering venue full of mystic experiences and a place to “reach beneath the normal level of awareness by using the images and stories of the Gospels”, showered after footie and Nancy exertions, slapped on more hair gel than was healthy, used enough Lynx to make it a confident prediction that Unilever shares will go up 3 fold on this qrts results and then ran off like a pack of Wolves into the night.

Us experienced tourists stayed in our muddly kit, had another cup of tea and relaxed. The lads were soon back with the immortal words “Where’s the curry house?”....Muppets!

More to follow...inc. a close run thing at Macclesfield